World APS Day 2021 is on Wednesday, June 9, 2021: What is your experience in the adoption world?
Wednesday, June 9, 2021 is World APS Day 2021.
I was given up for adoption after five days. Was in foster care for three or four months because my APs didn't want to risk bonding with me if they could not have me forever, then was adopted officially.
They never lied to me about being adopted, but decided it would be "best for me" not to know about my biological sister, or the photos/letters my bio family left for me.
When I was in my twenties my sister found me... to this day we are trying to make up for the time that has been denied to us. Knowing we can never make up for that time, but always trying to.
My reunion with my mother & father has been both up & down... I have experienced truly heart-breaking things that most people might say, "See, that's why you shouldn't consider reunion..." Yet I never regretted searching or opening up to meeting my biological family. No matter how messed up reunion was, I never regretted getting to know my bio-family, nor expected some fantasy-life with them.
Was I better off adopted? No.
Would I have been better off kept? No. Not necessarily.
It just isn't that simple... that's what I wish most people would consider when they think about adoption. Being raised by different parents doesn't ALWAYS guarantee a better life. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Even when it does, it can still be a hard reality to learn how to cope with
It depends on the child & should NEVER be expected that they will simply "get over it." Adoption is something that takes a lifetime to understand/learn how to cope with, Children/teens are not capable of understanding the reasons they were adopted the same as when they are adults.
It is best if their parents understand this & are able to show unconditional love to the child regardless of how they feel about adoption.
Are APs more indulgent?
I believe there are adoptive parents who do spoil their kids and give them everything they ask for. (People who even try for biological children for many years can spoil their kids with gifts that are over the top for their age.) I wondered if I'd be tempted myself to be like that because we waited so long to become parents.
My husband just the other day began looking at cute little timber cubby houses for his darlings, but I put a stop to it because I feel they are to young to appreciate it yet. (And they are darn expensive) I don't want to just give them 'things' on whim. I did say in a year or two for Christmas might be good and he has to build it for them...(We're not financially wealthy people for starters.) They need to learn boundaries. From what I have seen kids with boundaries are much happier than kids who don't have any. (Lots of love, discipline, knowing they can't just do as they please and get away with it. Things like that.)
I doubt that you can give you kids ever enough love, I say spoil them with love and cuddles.... doing craft, and learning exercises ....not things....(I bet they would rather see mum and dad taking an interest in how they're doing at school or homework in the long term.)
Most of my friends agree on that, we can't over indulge them in things to please them for the moment. That's not say it doesn't still happen occasionally.
But we're not all perfect parents... And I'm not a Stepford wife or Mrs Brady....
(They will one day get a puppy i hope...)
Do you ever think about giving up, APs?
I am experiencing the same issue right now.
My son, who just turned 4 years old, cried last night and said he "misses his birthmother". I had a nice talk with him and I let him know that his feelings are normal, and I know he is missing her (he was two days old when he started living with a foster family). I told him that I would love to meet her with him and that I know how special she is to him. I made sure he felt comfortable expressing his feelings to me.
He brought the conversation up again this morning. He did. And we talked some more. I asked him if he wanted to tell her anything. He said yes. "I want to tell her that I love her." I said that is awesome. We need to write this stuff down now, so we can let her know about your feelings if we do meet her. He shook his head in agreement.
I then bravely asked... what would you tell her about me? He said "that you're the greatest Mommy in the world." Man, I loved to hear that, but I didn't get all excited... I said thank you baby... I think you're the greatest kid in the world, too.
Anyway... when I disucss contacting his biological family with my parents, they say that they think it would be a mistake. But, I know that I am his Mommy for a reason and I will ALWAYS do what I think is right for him. He has a longing to know his biological family and I will help him.
It may be a different situation than you, because my son was an infant when I brought him home. He never really *knew* his biological mother like children who were in, say foster care for neglect.
I don't ever feel like giving up, but sometimes I feel like this is going to be hard handling contact and all possible issues that may come from that and being strong for my son, by myself (I am single).
But, the bottom line is that I am his Mommy and I am protecting HIM and am doing what's best for him. I know what's best for him - in my heart. I know my parents may not fully understand, but they will support me and my son because they love me as much as I love him.
We're parents to awesome children. We're bound to ride an emotional rollercoaster every once in a while. Hang in there. :-) Don't let bashers get you down. Just hug your kiddo(s) and come back when you are feeling a little better. :-)